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An open letter to the magical unicorn that poops cheeseburgers

North Korea is once again back in the news. And once again, for the stupidest of possible reasons. Right on the heels of threatening the USA for a Seth Rogan movie, the whiney little bitch everybody loves to hate is now threatening South Korea for putting a Christmas tree too close to the border. ON THE SOUTH KOREAN SIDE OF THAT BORDER which means north korea should, by all accounts, suck it.

Enough is enough with all the threats, North Korea. I’m pretty sure the global community has their number. I mean… First of all, north korea is poor as fuck. They don’t even HAVE AN ECONOMY. It is at a dead standstill where the only job worth having is helping a geologically dead nation perpetuate the myth that it’s not dead. So where they’re getting all these magical bombs they keep threatening everybody with from is anybody’s guess but MY guess is that they’re fully expecting a member of the Kim family to shit some out of his ass like a magical unicorn that poops cheeseburgers. Because North Korea is logical like that.

Second of all, what will they do next? Send in their emaciated army who spends so much time organizing parades for the Dear Cocksuc.. er.. LEADER… that they barely know what a trigger is and couldn’t figure it out anyway because they’re so hungry their stomachs are eating their own brains?

And no respectable leader of a country like North Korea would send it’s pissant army to invade a country that actually has food, water and the right to wear t-shirts that say “fuck” on them and expect them to come back. I’m guessing half those troops want to get their asses across that border just so they can blend into the surrounding population and finally live in a country with working toilets. So any threats of an invasion can pretty much be laughed off since the worst thing that will come of it is a giant influx of North Korean defectors ready, willing and overly eager to swear allegiance to the first non North Korean country that will have them. (Read: South Korea, patron saint of those poor North Korean nationals who are so desperate to get out, thousands risk their lives and die daily just trying)

North korea reminds me of that kid in middle school who was a total sniveling asshole to everybody and then, as soon as he was told to fuck off, threatened everybody with his “insert-vague-relation-here” who was “with the CIA/FBI/Illuminati” and would “shoot us sniper style” the second we left school for daring to not love him as much as he loved himself. Whatever. Words.

Fuck you north korea “Take down your tree, stop making your movie”

Stop sucking a giant bag of dicks, how about that for a start?

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Thanks a Lot, Everything..

That awkward moment when you tell yourself to step up your game and you realize you’re already at the top of it. And there is nowhere to go from there other than facing your own stupidity.

Oh also? ALSO? I have a short story deadline. Got 7th in this international (I always use that qualifier) competition back in the summer and now the bitches (ie some guy named Ken. KEN ffs..) keep emailing me (I figure they email all winners personally, 1-10) and remind me that this huge story competition is now underway and won’t I please enter it? And in a moment of pure exhaustion end up emailing him back with a succinct “bitch, please. I am on my last leg this week and going, no fuck the niceties, DRIVING, to Chicago friday afternoon. When am i supposed to write the damn thing? During a pee-and-stuff at a random Wendy’s?” which is exactly what I will probably end up doing because, hello, three grand.

GREAT. NOW I WANT WENDYS.

Thanks a lot, everything..

… Ok so i am paraphrasing the email.. it was more like “I really appreciate the consideration but i am etc..”

And i’ll probably just end up pulling a wine-and-redbull-allnighter because THIS IS THE DREAM. And slowly it’s happening.

If i were a smart person (see above) I’d take the easy route and write a blog about how angry the world makes me a la Peter Griffin’s “Ya know what really grinds my gears?”. And get a book deal out of it. But nah… I have to be an idiot and take the classical “Enter competitions until I have enough wins under my belt to land a decent agent” nonsense.

There are a number of writers I have to thank *blame* for this approach..

But in all seriousness (just for a second..) the latter approach is the way to do it. Because it’s all about the quality of the agent. Quality agents, by and large, still adhere to the classical methodology of wanting to see industry-recognized results BEFORE they sign a writer. A blog is not a result. A blog is more like a means to an end. A win is a result.

Damn man I am getting too old for this crap…

So to sum up: You know what really grinds my gears? The fact that this entire time i was bitching to you, my 2 followers, i could have been writing…. See? STUPID.

Excuse me..